偶爾聊天中一個來月過去了。慢慢地看到他時我有了心痛的感覺，我不喜歡
聽他的道歉，理解他的忙碌，但我決定不再與他瓜葛下去了。當他再次喊我my little
one 時，我說，從今天開始我只當你是朋友。一段不曾開始就結束的SM戀情，回
想起來我心依然有些痛，想必他也會有類似的感覺吧，他本認為我將是他很大可
能要collared的一個。他抱歉傷害了我，但他何過之有呢？是我奢求的太多了。
「You must say SIR behind your every answer 」他的目光和話語是嚴厲
的，我的心跳加速：「yes sir 」「good girl 」，他總是在我順從他的時候會
這麼說一句，雖然簡單的兩個字，讓我覺得很溫暖。他強調我必須好好地完成他
的命令，做的好會給我獎勵，做的不好會受到懲罰。路上，他告訴了我在training
過程中的safe word ，如果我覺得他的做法有些過了不能再加重了，就說yellow，
如果太重了不想繼續時就說red.「yes sir.」我想，為了彼此的愉悅，我會展現
給他一個真實的自我的了。
聽著他在外面收拾東西發出的叮叮咚咚的聲音，我越發地開始緊張了。那個
自信而平靜的女孩去了哪裡？剛在猶豫是否保留內衣時，傳來他的聲音，「NO bra
NO pants.You can't come out till I ORDER you！」「Yes Sir 」我的聲音小
而顫抖。站著換好衣服，別說，還挺合身！皮裙稍肥了一點而已。墊了個毛巾在
馬桶蓋子上，我坐下來開始穿皮靴。
他的手指開始在我腿上滑動，繼而將裙子褪下，手指上移，碰到我濕濕的私
處，「You are already wet ！I like it ！」看著他的驚訝，我有些害羞。他
的手指是那麼的靈活，我開始忘我地叫喊並去迎合他……他一手挾持著我的雙臂，
另一隻手開始拉扯我私處並不長的毛毛……乳頭被拉扯……另一種痛苦的叫聲…
…
（五）
雙手背在後面不短時間了吧？他解開了我雙手處的鏈接，轉身去取東西，我
也轉身想看他要做什麼，被他阻止。他開始在我頭上套東西，扯下來，才知道是
一個白色的hood，膠皮的，眼睛、嘴巴能夠露出來的那種，鼻孔處也有小孔，但
呼吸不通暢。繫了一根鏈子在我脖頸的leash 上，「You are my pet. 」他說。
「yes sir.I like to be your pet.」「good girl 」雖然平日裡我有時對他的
確挺隨意的，甚至還偶爾make fun of him ，但在他面前的我總體上還是很sweet
的。
來到房間最裡面，他停了下來，雙腿夾住了我的頭。我喘息著，這卑微的姿
勢讓我興奮，我晃動著身體，晃動著那圓潤的臀，我在想像著這具不屬於自己的
軀體的美麗，在想像他的眼神。「spread out your legs」傳來他的聲音，而我，
似乎還遠在天邊，一時竟然不知道他在說什麼。直到他的手掌拍打在我翹起的臀
部才醒了過來，羞澀地分開自己的雙腿。他的手在滑動，他的腿夾的更緊，極度
的興奮又一次傳來……
隨他轉身爬回到床邊的位置，他扶我站立起來。他坐在床上，20cm的靴子讓
我覺得自己好高，頭罩的存在讓我不方便去注視他的眼睛，我便用自己的雙手去
感知他，我想用touch 記下這帶給我快樂的男子的輪廓。我的手是溫柔的，在他
的臉上、頭上滑過，接著便開始在他頭上按捏，他閉上了眼睛，似乎很享受，他
的耳朵也在我手裡一點點捏過。我什麼時候學會了按摩？呵呵，似乎還真expert！
以至於後來他問我是否學過呢：）按摩著他的頭，我告訴他我喜歡他所做的一起，
享受與他在一起的每一分鐘。他也毫不吝嗇他的讚美與驚訝，同時也開始想佔有
我：「you can only be mine when you stay at USA 」「Yes sir ，I want to
be yours」「good girl 」。
接下來是週末，和他不可能交流。彼此過著自己的生活。今天，登陸yah oo
看到他的留言：Hey there ，sexy girl ……still enjoying very new memories
from our fun together ……wow ……that was great！！Message me soon …
…我告訴他我寫了日記，但是中文的。
「Such a good girl！！I want you to translate……and send to me……
is that clear ？」他希望我為他翻譯成英語。我理解他的好奇，因為，在play
完畢他回憶其中的一些鏡頭時，兩個人的印象都有些模糊了，到底發生在什麼時
候？呵呵，現在寫日記時，這些鏡頭又一一閃現了出來。我答應他會為他翻譯，
但不會在最近來做這件事情。
「Well，if you find sometime……then please ……I am still very excited
from our time together……you were wonderful！！」他依然在興奮地回憶。
「when i was writing，every thing came be fore me again and i enjoy
once more.me too ur so great」每次寫日記都是一個再調教的過程，如果不記
錄下來，就很難從腦子裡除去，所以，我寧願選擇記下。
「Well，so were you ……your reactions were so perfect……I was so
pleased ……you just made me want you more.you make me very proud.」
看著他的讚美，我也很開心。
「you give me confidence.I am lucky to be with u.I dont need think，
just follow and it's easy to do for me」他給了我自信不是麼？和原來經歷
的調教比較大的不同就是，我不斷受到他的讚美，他也不吝嗇他的溫柔的一面。
他會緊緊地擁抱著我，給我甜甜的吻，讓我為自己感到驕傲，而不單單是一個低
微的M.
「That is my job，as your Dom ……always want you to succeed.you followed
very well ……but I did love how nervous you were ……you forgot how to
think ……your hands a little shaking ……oh that was so delicious！！」
他依然在回憶。
昨天，他再次上線。聊了一會彼此的生活，他問我，「Do you miss my firm
hand？Still as cute as ever ？」我告訴他我把與他的日記貼在了一個中文論壇
上，並收到一個女孩的悄悄話，說她想和他玩，我因為自己不能給他很多時間而
不介意他和別人玩，沒想到他的回答是：「I am yours， and you are mine
」讓我很是感動。討論了一會BDSM在當前社會中的地位，我認為雖然真正玩的人
雖然不多，但知道其存在的人卻是很多了，否則我也不會把那日記貼在一個非SM
論壇不是？他還是持保守的看法：「It is gaining in popularity. It is more
mainstream. But still thought of 'weird'……'taboo' ……'sick'.」
具體商量能在一起的時間時，卻發現真的很少。我說了自己可能的時間，但
在我可能的時間裡他又怎麼可能有機會出來呢？「Well， let me see what I can
do. 」「hehe i dont think u can have time 」「 Don't try to tell me what
I can't do……I need to be worshipped. And I need to enjoy your body…
…and your sweet blushes…… and the way you cry out for me.「我知
道他也一樣渴望見到我，但卻沒想到他會這麼突然出現。
STEVE 的雙向的本性，決定了我和他之間的關係只可能停留在遊戲的水平上。
每每在網上遇到，他還是會一如既往地寵著我，他的讚美也往往讓我很開心。我
似乎依然不滿足，因為，STEVE 不希望我喊他主人，儘管在我提出後，他答應考
慮一下。他說，得想想他在允許我這麼稱呼之前我得完成哪些事情。
「不著急，我們還有時間。」我說。我開始有慾望把他變成我的主人，我喜
歡他的真誠，喜歡他寵著我，喜歡他的SM方式，喜歡在他調教下變的自信和完美
……在自我介紹裡，我寫道：「I will make you my master one day ^O^. And
I will be so proud a submissive …… proud to be with you …… proud of
how much I please you …… and proud of myself for all of whom I am.
Me： Good morning Sir Dom ： Hey darlin'！！How are you ， this mornin'.
Me： are you busy ？ it is so hot these days Dom： Not too busy. I can
talk. I know……no fun to go outside！！
Me： yeah Dom ： I am going to a party called Purgatory this weekend
in Ch***……lots of kinky people dressed in latex and leather ……I can't
wait！！
Me： I want too ！ Have fun ！
Dom ： Poor girl……I know u would love it.You need to get some night
time free ……so you can go to some parties with me. Me ： Do you have
other sub or dom to go with you ？
Dom ： Yes， we have a big group going……staying at someone's house
on Sat night……we will have lots of fun！！
Me： ic so nice. I can't wait to go with you Dom： I know u will be
nervous ……and excited ， meeting other kinky folks. Most are very nice.
And you will see much cool bondage furniture……and get to watch others
play……I always learn new things watching others. It is OK to watch at
these parties ， you just have to respect the scene ， and not interrupt
it in any way. Me ： sooooooo great ！ Can't take pictures？
Dom ： No ， no pictures……privacy must be kept. Me： ic nice Dom：
And you get to see other people's play things ……different floggers and
whips and other torture instruments. Me ： I really want to join the party
with you Dom： Don't worry. Me： sometimes i feel i will lose you Dom ：
Well， I must tell you， that I am starting to see another submissive
……I know that may make you sad. But I do want to find another girl to
enjoy BDSM with. I hope you understand. I can still play with you. I already
told her about you. Me： Sure i understand. I dont care you have others
and you know that hehe Dom： Yes， I do ……and thank you. Maybe you might
like to play with both of us sometime. But I don't know if you like to
play with other females. But， that is going to be one of my requirements，
for you to get my collar. Me： i can Sir Dom： Good girl. Me： But I dont
think you really want me call you master hehe. If you dont want ， i will
not insist on. Dom： Well ， I do prefer Sir……Master seems silly to
me……LOL Me： lol， but i want a master in my heart hehe Dom ： Master
seems like it means you are a slave. Well ， maybe I will make an exception
with you……
Me： yeah ， but i am not a slave hehe. the reason i want a master
is i hope i can give my heart to someone Dom： Well ， can you truely
give your heart ， since you have your own life ？
Me： no ， i want give my heart on my bdsm side. i dont want play
with many doms， i want one only. Dom ： Well ， if you ever find that
you feel that I cannot meet your needs， then I will certainly help you
find another. I will always be there to make sure that you are happy in
BDSM. Me： i think our play together is perfect Dom ： I do too ……
Me： but sometimes i only feel you are far away from me ， you dont
want own me ， you give me too much freedom hehe Dom： Well ， it is hard
with your schedule. I know you want more……
Me： yes. i am trying to hide my sub side as deep as i can， but sometimes
just cant stop thinking of it Dom ： Well ， I think that is how many
people think. Hiding it was like hiding a big part of my soul. Me ： yes，
but i do try my best to let me be normal hehe. Sir hope you have a good
day ！ i need run now. I enjoyed so much chatting with you.
「Sir ， do you want tell me something about your sub ？」
「Would you like me to？」
「sure. 」
「Well， she is 34 yo ……maybe a little shorter than you.She is a
bit large ， in body……but her face is very beautiful. She has a very
southern accent. She is very sweet and kind. But she has a very kinky
mind as well. She adores me ， and loves serving me ……and she is also
a pain slut. I have trained her to enjoy gags ， and hoods， and sissy
dresses. I hope you can meet her. I told her about you. Her name is juliet
……and she will not mind that. She knows that you are special to me.
I think you will like her.」
「nice .thank you. i hope so. You are the first and the only white
i touched till now. I am not sure whether i want to be with a white girl
or not」
「Well， you don't ever have to play with her ……only if you want.」
「No， we do not live together……she is in Ch** area. Do you think
you might mind it if my girl juliet is there when you and I play sometime？
You can watch she and I play as well， if you want. 」
「i dont mind. i want and may help you：）」
「Oh yes……you can ……juliet is bi-sexual ……and I have gotten
other women to Domme her as well. 」
「i will become a good helper.」
「I know that. It is fun to be Dom……or Domme……」
「did she go to the party with you last Saturday？」
「 Yes， she went with me ……want to see a pic of us at the party？」
「sure！！！！ interesting！ i love it！」
「Yes ， I was the character from the movie ……Phantom of the Opera.
that character is scarred on one side of the face …… that is why he
wears a mask. Lots of pervy people there， dressed up ……not so much
real BDSM …… more like a fashion show. I love hoods ……as you know.」
「I want to see you ， when can we meet ？」他好像對此毫不質疑，在
網上再次看到我的第一眼時，這麼問道。
「What can we do？ I was not in BDSM for quiet a long time」和他曾
經的點滴，還留在我的記憶裡，淡淡的，因為，他並未曾真正走入我的生活。
「Then I will slowly lead you back. I want you to submit， to hold
you in my lap again. Can you work for me doing office work？」他似乎輕
描淡寫地問。
看著他的問題，我的心跳不由地加快。自從看過電影《Secretary 》之後，
我就產生了這種fantasy ，而且，這種慾望隨著時間愈發明確與渴望。「Are you
seriously asking？ In BDSM， I desire a long-term relationship not occasional
training. 」曾經的接觸，讓我對他少了很多戒心，是啊，如此陽光的一個人，
是值得我信任的。
「Yes ， it would be wonderful to have my submissive here. Of course
you would have to stay after everyone else went home for added training.
But no one here could ever know. During the work day you would have to
be like any other employee. But I would have you stay about an hour late
every day for training and service. And punishment depends on you. If
you are bad I have no choice but to punish you. If are good ， I will
use you for pleasure. I think you would look very pretty bending over
my desk. And you know that after the pain I will hold you in my arms and
you will feel so calm and protected.」
（3）
按約定，他要來了。他會帶一個Application form給我，還有他的firm hand.
電話鈴響起，我蠻緊張地拿起。「Are you ready for a red bottom？ I will
arrive after two minutes. 」他說。
站在他面前我才意識到，他是多麼的高大。他高出我一頭半的樣子，紅撲撲
的臉，沒有微笑，卻也並不嚴肅。我看著他，略帶羞澀地緩緩解開外套，是啊，
他曾經吩咐我只穿 a dress with thong panties and nothing else的，而室內
溫度並不是很高，我便在小小的dress 外面，加了一個外套。
我赤著腳，小小的衣服的存在如同虛設。「Is this ok？」我羞澀地抬頭，
問他。我不知道他希望我穿的是怎樣的dress ，於是，我便挑了如此一件小巧柔
滑的黑色的sexy的衣服。
